Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Monday, 1 March 2010


So it took an eccentric french film yesterday (Micmacs) to make me finally feel normal, albeit briefly. Or maybe I am giving too much credit to the film, which was brilliant. Perhaps in hindsight it was Isabel and Simon who kindly accompanied us to the film and drinks after. Because somehow they managed to not have that look of abject fear a lot of people unwittingly have when they see me for the first time. Or that awkward frozen moment when they don't know what to say, because in all fairness what can you say. Umm erm get well soon? maybe best of luck? It is hard I know, I really do. What do you say to someone who has no solid idea what will happen in the future, and has that thing that everyone fears and no one ever wants to have. Oooh feel that shudder round the room. Phil and I even changed the name into smancer (small cancer), just to take the weight out of the word while we wander around the streets and shops trying not to dose people up with too much reality while they buy things they don't need.

I said to Phil the other day and this may not make sense to you but I don't fear cancer now I have it. I will be the first now to admit that I have had moments in my life lying in the dark, just like a lot of people, worrying about dying or getting cancer or both. Only for a brief moment of course and then you block it out and kind of mentally shake yourself. Now it's happened, not the death part I am still alive don't panic, it really is not as bad as you expect or imagine. Hmm well after the first few days anyway. I think it is not so bad because help is at hand, clever people out there are going to save you and you know they will do everything in their power to help you survive this. I keep imagining what it would be like to be going through this in a country or place out of reach of medical help and no NHS, that is the stuff nightmares are made of. Then I think of Haiti and now Chile too and just feel kind of bad for even making any fuss about my smancer.

Anyway go see Micmacs. or if not save the money and give it people who need it more than you in Haiti. Chile is in need to but please read this first before deciding where your aid travels to http://www.dec.org.uk/item/428.

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