Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Thursday, 11 March 2010

Before the storm

Apprehension is quite an overlooked state of mind or sensation. When there is something looming over you something dreadful, something fast approaching and about to happen, time seems to slip through your fingers so fast you can't believe that a whole week has moved on without you barely lifting your head to see it flash by. But when you are waiting for something exciting and incredible like travelling trip or party or new experience or payday! time just won't budge and you feel in stasis and frustratingly bored with every tick of the clock because you want tomorrow to come so much, and the waiting it feels like forever.

So where did all the time go? Wouldn't it be amazing if you could save up all the lost time, like roll over minutes, in a jar and then you open it when you feel you need a little extra here and there. You could sell your lost time to other people or if you were nice you would give it to terminally ill and the elderly (Dani I know you would). It just does not work that way though does it.
My calm relaxing two weeks is ticking by so fast and instead of trying to pretend to put it to the back of my mind I find myself obsessed with preparations. I am like that anyway with holidays and journeys etc, I just like to be organised and make it smooth as possible. However this particular journey has no google map or tripadvisor because although others have been down this very road many times before they felt, thought, acted and reacted very very differently to me. If there is one huge thing I have learnt from talking to different people and reading different stories is that no one goes through cancer in the same way. So anyone who wholeheartedly believes to have a solid idea of exactly how you are feeling because their friend or relative felt that way is unfortunately making a bit of a mistake. An understandable one though.

The one thing I find hardest to shake off is being told in so many words it's no big deal or it's nothing with that brushing it off tone followed by a sort of rewording of the 'stop making a fuss Sarah' sentence and from people who really surprised me...(it is no one reading this blog so you can breathe a sigh of relief there, you are all very lovely). So I felt really guilty like god did I make a fuss oh shit have I been a pain in the arse, have I lent on anyone and taken people for granted. But a few days later it occurs to me - hold on a minute I haven't called anyone in tears in the middle of night although nearly everyone offered willingly to take that call, I haven't forced everyone to suffer through detailed accounts of over dramatic trauma I simply wrote how I honestly felt in a blog, whilst still trying to make it more light than brutal, and said here read it if you want if you don't don't. and even though I know why the people who said these things said them it still leaves you astonished that anyone could at a time like this. Similar to one of the most shocking moments when someone told me, after I disclosed my diagnosis to them, to leave off the smokers because they fund the NHS. Words cannot.

People are people and they have anger bubbling away under the surface that seems to boil up without them even being aware of it I am sure I do it myself without my knowledge or consent. But I only hope I deliver my thoughts and feelings with a little more delicacy then these mentioned people. I think the best advice is be honest and if you don't know what to say do what two very dear chaps did and simply say that, the truth. That meant more to me than polished lines from a greetings card. They were so stunned and affected they could not find the right words. I totally totally get that.

So while I am preparing just to give you all the heads up again of where I will be and when. I am heading to London to stay in Kensington, yes I know, and going for my radiation injection, ugh, at 2.30pm on 22nd March. I am going for dinner with my bro and his wife hopefully and then attempting to sleep, which is probably as likely as a 5 year old sleeping filled with sweets on Christmas eve, only way more depressing.
I will go to The Royal Marsden, Fulham road for 7.30am (23rd) and from there it is pretty uncertain but I hope to be out the same day go back to hotel collapse sleep eat and then head home by train to Eastbourne the next day (24th) arriving for the afternoon where I will be staying at Phil's for probably weeks, at least two, so come see me when and if I am ready (and as long as you are not contagious). I return to London on 2nd April for post operation assessment and my results eek eek eek eek. I cannot stress the stress enough of this part so with tons of notice I am requesting as much distractions as possible please, especially as the days leading up to it Phil is back to work and I am a loner, hint hint. This appointment is also two days before my birthday that was going to be my 30th in England (really it's my 31st but of course I was away last year) but now might be postponed and I decided tonight if it has to be postponed then I should get at least three birthdays to make up for it. Fair enough? Although that does not in any way make me three years older. 2nd April I get results from the pathology on the lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy, sounds cool huh. I wish it was cool. Essentially did they find any specks of cancerous cells in the glands or around the tumour they removed and if yes then shit it's chemo. If no maybe maybe maybe radiotherapy which in truth I have already decided in my head is going to happen and I am not so sure it is wise because that comfort zone is in the clouds somewhere, I even think there are care bears up there too, and it is a long long way to fall. You get me? probably not I distracted you with care bears. I used to love care bears I mean bears that care what a genius idea. Isaac had a teddy bear to share that he took everywhere with him at one point. 'Sarah would you like my teddy bear to share' 'Why yes I don't mind partaking of a teddy bear to share moment' Oooh way too late and I need to shut my brain off now I think, don't you? Night night.

p.s. It has been a good few days I am tired but smiling. I have eaten nearly all of the 'happy cakes' Laura made for me. I did in my head question what was in them to be labelled 'happy cakes' but then that also did not make me hesitate whatsoever in consuming the lot...before you get ahead of yourselves for your information I am legally happy.

xxx or xoxo - depending on what country you are from.

1 comment:

  1. by the way it says somewhere on this thing I can set up 10 email addresses to send out blog updates when I do them so if anyone wants to not have to check in everyday, or you know whenever you do, then get in touch I will add you to the little list xxx