Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Thursday, 22 July 2010

The end is in sight

So I have had all my radiation therapy and now I wait and watch as the it remains working in my system for two weeks ish reeking havoc with my skin and then at long last it's recovery time and healing and the end...sort of.
I went to London today for a check up and all is as expected nothing unusual so no news is good news and they are happy to assist with issues I have from side effects to these damn hormone tablets.
I have to go every 3 months for the next year and then it slows down to 6 months for the following year and then again to annually after that so not half as bad as I had been told. In one to two months I will have signs as to whether I have a reaction in my lungs to the rads, as the radiation can kind of burn them leaving you with a sort of chest infection type reaction. Here is hoping I am experiencing the last of the effects from this evil stuff.
As for how I am well I would gently warn you as someone did me that once it's all over and settling down you have no appointments to focus on as the next one is far away, and all of a sudden the experience catches up with you and you gain the magnitude of it all in clear light of day. It's overwhelming but just part of the journey and sometimes you feel the most tired when you arrive where you have been trying so hard to get to.

The unnerving part of having cancer is when it's all over you have this sneaking suspicion it's not.

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

4 doses left to go

Sorry I have dropped off with the blog but I suppose I am bored with my own complaining and I am sure you are too.

Well 4 doses to go. Burnt skin, no bra allowed, red, itchy, painful, tiring but it's all bearable and I feel so close to the end it is hardly bothering me now. I am too tired for words mind, this is mainly due to Reuben having a stint of major behavioural problems that I now feel drained inside and out and his timing generally sucks, this occasion being no exception. Give me a months rest and I would be willing to take on the worse behaved 11 year old in the world but right now nope I have no energy and it is becoming very hard work for both me and especially Phil who is left to cope when I go to Brighton to rest. So I am pushing myself too far this week and driving back and forth every day to help Phil deal with his temporarily explosive child in the vague hope something's gotta give and we need it to be his stubbornness before our sanity. Just need a break, if anyone finds that pause button we all dream of let me know please.

Holiday in France 19th August oooh so that is 35 sleeps right. Just over 4 weeks and we can do nothing but think about where our next crepe is coming from.

Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Tired flaky

I keep believing I can make plans then the day or evening comes when I need to go somewhere and meet someone and I am usually on the sofa asleep. So sorry to anyone I have flaked on, I am temporarily tired flaky but as my friends and I decided tired flaky is ok but flaky flaky is not.

Something else I have noticed is if I begin to show any signs of feeling at all sorry for myself regarding radiotherapy I find the occasional reaction to be 'well it could have been worse at least you didn't have chemo'. People have an inherent need to gloss it all over and take the weight out of suffering by seeing the sunny side instantly but this sometimes brushes aside what someone is feeling. I do it too and now I am so determined not to, it is like positivity tourettes.Yep I know I am lucky in a way but allow me a little time to grieve or express the shittiness of removing all normality from your life while you are travelling to hospital everyday in the heat (when you are not allowed in the sun or your skin will fall off) to lay tense and still while they beam radiation into your chest right next to your lungs making your skin sore and stealing all your energy. It could be a lot worse sure but it could be a lot better. Oh and I read macmillan yesterday in search for a moisturiser -

Second cancers

Radiotherapy can cause cancer and a small number of people will develop a second cancer because of the treatment they have had. However, the chance of a second cancer developing is so small that the risks of having radiotherapy are far out-weighed by the benefits. If you are concerned about your risk of developing a second cancer you should discuss your worries with your specialist.

Erm perhaps mention this one before hand, I mean it would be nice to know! Ok sure not much chance but I would at least like to be aware of it.

I went to see my friend run the race for life on Sunday. I didn't see it coming but I was only there 20 minutes before I was in tears, cunningly disguised under my straw hat and sunglasses. It was so overwhelming even Phil said he welled up in 5 minutes, you find yourself reading all the peoples messages to lost loved ones on their backs and right now it was too much. But I am still glad I went anyway.

Oh crap I gotta go I will be late otherwise. Hope everyone is well and happy.
Oh on a good note I am officially an Auntie as of yesterday to Matthew Bolland a healthy baby boy, I hope mum is resting and recovering well xxxx