Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Friday, 5 March 2010


So it took me till 1am to sleep but I slept a nice relaxing not restless, I think, night's sleep. I can't emphasise enough how great that is. The world looks and feels so different right now than it did yesterday. When the anxiety is high because an appointment is fast approaching I wake up 2 or 3am without fail and won't get back to sleep till 10 minutes before having to get up. But now there is nothing major for two weeks I know I can rest and relax and try to just get on with life. The irony is that last night my dear house mates and my dearest polish friend, over a few glasses of wine, managed to discuss spider infestations, maggots embedded in legs, suicide, fires, a touch of cancer (mainly Agata's idea of a bed time story involving lung cancer patients, love you sweetie) and Katie Price and I still got the best night's sleep I have had in ages. Thanks ladies for being more than happy to be with me whatever my mood might be.

Anyway yesterdays news is now in the past and there is nothing I can possibly do to change it so I am going to let it drift away for now. I know my date for the operation and I know where I am going so I just need to book hotels and all that and find my slippers.
Fingers crossed I am seeing my lovely Holly today who is full of blue team bump and hopefully has lots of squeezes and news to tell me about her little July bundle. I then get to squeeze the boys later and they are squeezable indeed. xxx

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