Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Monday, 8 March 2010


I am so unpredictable right now, I hate it I wish I could get a grip. Because of the build up of intense anxiety for month or so I can no longer handle the small things going wrong they send me into panic mode immediately, it is so annoying. It must be infuriating for people around me although in fairness I only intentionally show Phil that it's happening. I do however get a grip quite fast and calm down, but that damn adrenalin rushes through you like it's been waiting to race through you body at a moments notice. Then afterwards you just think rationally and calmly why the hell did I get stressed about that for.

Life you see throws all kinds of shit at you when you are already carrying enough to sink a ship. The boys are particularly tired and argumentative of late. Isaac has a cough to keep him and me up at night and make him plenty ratty and tired. Reuben has decided now is a good time to start waking up at 5am worrying that someone is in the very safe house with noisy central heating. Except last night he slept through. We all meet in our dreams every night on an imaginary dream island or planet somewhere and last night was safe and sound island. Cheesy yes but it works a treat.

So all my left over tolerance is poured into calming the tension as Isaac, who leaves the house after two hours of me chasing two boys (well actually three) around the house to get ready, steps in cat poo from the neighbours cat on our front yard and then proceeds to put his hand in it all when Phil needs to be on his way to work moving him from on time to ridiculously late and well and truly stressed. Result Isaac needs new shoes as cat poo is deeply wedged in grooves and he has broken the velcro anyway and he went to school wearing trousers that probably fit a 5 year old and some casual slip on trainers. I am heading back to Brighton tomorrow for uni and appointments and I am feeling so worried about leaving Phil to deal with all this.

We were rescued yesterday afternoon when I had lost all my energy by Phil's mum and Robin for a wonderful dinner where the boys didn't complain or argue (much) and this followed with cake of course, doctor's orders. The leftover chocolate roulade or Mr Yummy as Isaac renamed it came home with us and I am not sure how to break it to my two chocolate loving fellas (Phil and Isaac) but I had the last piece for breakfast and then sat there very full and pleasantly nauseous feeling a tiny bit guilty.

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