Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Thursday, 18 March 2010

Super good news

I am so tired if I rest my head for even a moment on anything remotely softer than a rock I might sleep for a week so bear with me. So news first, well they did an ultrasound on my armpit for signs of cancer in the node glands and found there was 'nothing very exciting', (WHOOP) followed by the usual cautious story we can't promise there is not any trace of cancer as it can be microscopic....blah blah blah I totally stopped listening at the 'there is nothing very exciting' bit. So after yesterday I really did start to believe that the cancer was maybe in my glands, why else would they need to recheck so late in the day like this why else would the last radiologist have spent so long there and felt the need to do further checks. This morning I was far more rational and not so worried. I certainly had a some apprehension when I got in the room and laid down for the ultrasound until he told me and then I was absolutely chuffed and relieved. Nothing in the world could have got me down as I left the hospital to meet my bro for a late lunch, and then cake of course, well almost nothing except Phil who responds to my excited 'yay no cancer in my glands' high five offer with 'some lady set fire to a rabbit'. So we are putting that down on the list for 'appropriate and tactful things to say to anyone with cancer on a good day'. Oh Phil.

By the way for anyone who does not get the severity of it being in my glands well just quickly that means it can spread round the body faster not like in minutes or hours or anything close but it is harder to treat, or more aggressively treated, and more advanced.

Come on let out a small cheer go on just a wee one. I am so elated and I needed it I really needed it, I totally feel like I can take on this fucker now, bring it on. I found my resilience again, I think I had left it on the shop floor somewhere in the vicinity of where I had the conversation with the unnamed doctor who tells me they are concerned and need me in London in 48 hours to have a sample sent to pathology in time for my operation to be able to judge if the whole surgery plan needed rethinking. So that meant I could have been looking at 3-5 days in hospital and longer recovery and more damage with 0 days notice and now I feel sure I will be in and out like a flash. They did not promise this or even mention it but I am so happy I am going to run with it a while. Too confident? possibly, but allow this moment of naivety. I felt so stupid today for worrying yesterday but in hindsight there does not seem such a need to add so much drama with the way they tell you these things and details they fail to mention. No one said that it's a precaution no one said the reason it is so late in the day and had become so stressfully urgent is because the surgeon has been on holiday and not looked at your file until now. Geez people if you had told me that I would have only semi panicked internally not been totally knocked for six as I was.

Oh the relief. The cool thing is although it sucked to be scared by them in this way with all the urgent panic and messing around, I now have had two radiologists look at the nodes and one did a sample test which was clear and the other could not see anything of concern. So I can go into my surgery believing there is little chance it has spread and I should, fingers crossed super tight, wake up with no surprises. That in the long run is worth the last 48 hours of tension.
I am however going to be super pissed off if this cock-sureness backfires. But for now, in your face cancer HA. Whoopah.

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