Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Saturday, 20 March 2010

Slow down

I cannot believe it is Saturday night already. One more day to prepare and then before I know it I will be on the surreal journey to London to get radiation injected into me WTF? I still can't entirely grasp that this is happening to me I feel totally normal and fine, except a slight cold and my damn period to layer the whole ordeal with extra lashings of fun. I sat for a few hours playing a computer game with two very giggly boys either side of me on the sofa. They both have totally unique laughs Reuben gets these infectious giggles, only in private, where the laughter rolls through him like an uncontrollable tiny rapid tremor where his body shakes and he is totally powerless. Where as Isaac practically bursts open with a phenomenal sound from such a small rib cage that echoes around the walls and bowls over nearby witnesses. He does not even remotely attempt to hold in his laughter, he completely embraces joy in everything he does, nothing phases this kid. It was so nice to hear them laugh so much and so so nice to be the instigator when lately all I feel I have given them is worry and anger. They floated off to bed in the best possible mood and now I am feeling so desperately sad to know tomorrow they will go and we won't see them for two weeks or more depending on how I fare with this whole thing. I will miss Isaac's constant flow of notes, love and hugs and Reuben's helpfulness topped by his amazing gesture today of mending a drawing I did him that he sadly, for him more than me, ripped up in fury. He pasted on a sheet of card, and very well may I add, all the tiny individual ripped pieces of the drawing until it is now good as new. There is no denying that he is totally capable of being the sort of boy that knows only too well exactly how to rub most adults up the wrong way but when he cares he cares like no one else and will stop at nothing to recover what he has lost or rectify a mistake he has made.

I don't want to really talk or think about the operation tonight, is that ok? cheers.

I have decided I am going to attempt to have flowers in my recovery house constantly. I really love how they make a room feel and there is something so fresh and alive about them, which is ironic because you have practically fatally wounded them and stuck them in life support water where they will inevitably demise but I will get some more and throw out the old ones before I have to consider that detail. I am going to get another jasmine if I get time, I had a beautiful flowering Jasmine for years that I brought in during winter, that Phil killed accidentally while I was away in the US, and I miss that plant so much.

Ooh the departed is on so that is me done. xx Gotta love Scorsese.

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