Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Tuesday, 16 March 2010


Just a brief note to say something about Ian my oldest bro. As from my other entry you may well have read I did not take the phone call from Marsden today very well, it shook me just like it would shake most of you. I called Phil straight away and got no answer, he had forgotten his phone but I had forgotten too, so I dialled Ian, my brother, at work in London and he answered and I hardly got to say 'Ian could you...' and he cut me off with something like 'of course, of course little sister I will do whatever you need'. He was happy to leave work and meet me from Victoria take me to hospital sit and wait then probably hold me while I cry and take me for cake before getting me safely back on the train without a second thought, without a breath just, of course.

Didn't you know I have brothers? Yep two older brothers middle bro Paul, he and I were especially close when we were teenagers rebelling against whatever was out there to rebel against, and sharing secrets, ups and downs. A few years ago he came to the park when I cried with a broken heart and brought strawberries, wisdom, hugs and time. Oldest bro Ian who listened recently in London said all the right things in a different park when I cried with a broken spirit and brought many of the same healing ingredients minus the strawberries but replaced them with a yummy lunch after. Needless to say I am luckiest girl alive in some ways because my family love me so much and it's returned ten fold, of course.

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