Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Monday, 22 March 2010

Radioactive walking corpses

I am radioactive. There are very few days in my life I will get to say that, I hope.
Summary of the day...we found the Royal Brompton Hospital just round the corner from the Royal Marsden, but vastly lacking in welcoming environment and cleanliness in comparison, and made our way to the Nuclear Medicine Clinic which sounds as scary as it turned out to be. First doors open alcohol rub on hands. Second solid swing doors open and I want to turn right around immediately. The first sight that caught my eye I won't give detailed description of but lets just say there was no doubt that some of the patients in the room were hovering the grave and I just had not really seen anyone like that before in my clearly naive life. The second sight was a scan of the room and once again just like last time I was significantly younger than anyone who came in and out of there and again the last to leave. It is a strange and alienating feeling sitting there with people either looking at you like you should not be there or with total shock and pity yet not one small glimpse of relating to another person from across the room. I have not yet seen anyone under 50 in these hospitals I know there must be someone else like me going through this.

Right I get called in by a nurse and usual story wap them out put on a gown that would fit Homer Simpson after a soda bread eating competition. Then 'this will sting so breathe in deeply' ouch fuck you were not kidding lady. So I breathed in and held it and held it and oh my god when is this woman going to let me breathe out I start to let air escape secretly and she said nothing so I let out a little more and a little more 'ok breathe out' shit too late shuush. Then a lot of painful rubbing and I have stand around like a total fool circling my arm for about five minutes, not long right, when you are circling radiation around your armpit it feels like forever. So she wanders off and leaves me in this camera room circling my achy arm then after five minutes she returns and gets me to lie down. One kind of white rock taped to one boob, several uncomfortable frozen positions and a very tight metal plate lowered on me and then several xrays later and she has 'only found one node'. No idea what that means but she found one so that is good right, I suppose I will find out soon enough.
A doctor from the Marsden comes to meet me she wants me to consider joining in a research trial and I of course said yes, it is nothing invasive only extends the surgery by 5-10 minutes and will help them be able to make the surgery for women like me more productive and efficient. In the second trial my tissue will be sent to America and frozen and I figured I have been trying to get back over there for a while so I am pretty chuffed a piece of me will at least make the trip seeing as I am otherwise engaged.

I am tired and a bit headachy but not feeling too bad considering only a week ago I was pretty tearful and low with all the apprehension. Funny how it goes so unpredictably up and down like this.

So I will leave it there today. Not sure if I will be able to type anything tomorrow but I will try to get help to at least let you all know I am out of hospital, which I will be people I will be, and recovering well by teatime let's hope. Love love love xxx

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