Welcome to the c word
I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.
I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.
I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.
- Tuesday 23rd February 2010
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
Anyway Today I got myself to Brighton, even managed to look half alive, I was planning to go to my last class this term at uni when the Royal Marsden called out of the blue and told me to come to London for an urgent appointment to do another ultrasound and take another needle sample of my gland because they are 'concerned' about something they saw on the images from Brighton. I feel instantly sick. So Thursday I am rushing up there for a unscheduled appointment to be poked and prodded again and not have a clue what will come of it till I go for my operation on Tuesday. They want to be sure they are doing the right kind of surgery on me. I mean sure I REALLY want them to be sure too but why wait till now did it not occur to them to check my file any sooner instead of totally panicking me in the already very stressful last few days before the op.
I don't know what to say I am scared it's in my glands and I think they are too.
I had just got to a place of being convinced this was going to go smoothly and had started to breathe a little relief in that the cancer has not spread or it seemed unlikely. Now all I can really deduce is that there is something obviously worrying showing up from the scans and mammography (and after the radiologist spent so long on my armpit in silence) but as for what that is another question. It could be some weird shadow that shows up and nothing to worry about, just unfortunate for me, or it could be some strong signs of well come on you know. So right, they are being careful and cautious and double checking so I should be grateful, why don't I feel grateful? I won't deny it, it is increasingly hard to be chipper when everyday you climb up those steps to even ground so you can walk around like everyone else out there and suddenly a rug is pulled or a massive hole appears that you didn't see until you fell right in it. and that phone call made me fall in head first.
I just want some good news. and sleep. I am going to take a sleeping pill tonight.