Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Sunday, 21 March 2010

How to scare a tabby cat in one easy step

Apologies if I am vague on the details leading to this event but tonight I found out what drills instant irrational emotionally scarring fear into to my, larger than your average, cat Monty Zoomer. Fear strong enough to make him stop eating instantly. The type of fear that leaves him trembling, fur raised and trying to hide from the world between the legs of the table until coaxed out for a moment to chew on an appetizing treat. This kind of fear can only be connected to events of catastrophic proportions. The cause however of this earth shattering fear is without any doubt the humming of Amazing Grace, badly. For scientific purposes we have tried several other songs over time and there is no doubt Monty does not have a musical ear as such but nothing quite riles him like Amazing Grace. So next time he gives me that look an hour past his breakfast time as if to say ‘you step one foot off the direct path to my bowl and I’ll take you down’ I will know what to do.

So London tomorrow yep yep. I am unnervingly cool, and I really do feel not too shabby. Something must be lurking in there somewhere just waiting till I require all my moxie and it will involuntarily break out and wreak havoc. I suppose I am simply trying not to think about it too much, just drifting along hoping that my theory that everything will not be half as drastic as I was first encouraged to expect will come true. If it doesn’t then fuck it no planning or preparation will make it any easier to take in or deal with. This is it now, we are here there is no going back. There is nothing anyone can do to change the next couple of days so there is no point obsessing about any of it just go and let it all happen, it will be over as soon as it arrived and then at least I can draw a line under the first stage of this horrendous year, done. Next.

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