Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Tuesday, 9 March 2010


Even though neither of us slept more than an hour at a time last night, I do actually feel so much calmer. I have a new to me mattress thanks to my lovely Gran which is so much better than the one we had. The cat however quite likes the old mattress, he thought it would make a perfect high perch for his night cat watch duties. As said mattress became too unstable for his chosen purpose he used it to springboard to safety whilst it fell with a loud crash to the floor waking everyone in the nearby vicinity. So we bent it in half and wedged it in the doorway and Monty spent the rest of the night using it as an assault course which he assumed had been laid out for him specifically, while this morning the not so agile as a cat Phil Lazarou tried to smoothly slide past it and fell face first to the floor. Yes I laughed.

So the last draining appointment was days ago and the operation is in two weeks today so that is two whole weeks with only one little doctors appointment to go to on Thursday. Thanks to the kindness of Nigel and Carrie sweeping the boys off for an adventure and Phil's mum and Robin having us round I have actually managed to have time to do what I need and squeeze in the occasion nap on the sofa, ooh and eat cake.

When everything is all calm like now I feel sort of guilty like I am making a fuss over nothing even writing this blog because I look fine on the outside, well normal anyway, and feel ok so hmm what's the big deal. Then I remember ah cancer yes that old thing is sort of a big deal round here and I have still got it. Doh. But this naive bubble is quite comfy so if it's ok with you I plan to be drifting along in it for a few days at least. I am in Brighton till Thursday and up for seeing people, if people are up for being seen : ). Today is officially a good day. More than good, it's a normal day. Off to uni soon xx

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