Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Thursday, 4 March 2010

Fertility - Not a happy entry this one

Skip this one if its too much. It is not good news or light in any way.

I went to discuss the fertility issue today with a chap in Brighton. Right deep breath, Chemo does not destroy the chance of having children entirely in most people, but it reduces it and sometimes significantly so there is still a chance my fertility will return but I am left without choice but to be having children later than I wanted so mid to late 30's if everything works out. If I dont have chemo radiotherapy does not alter fertility but I am still not advised to have kids for at least two years. The scariest piece of news today was it is so risky for someone with cancer to be pregnant because pregnancy hormones accelerate cancer growth and if I was able to fall pregnant in the next two years the only real option is abortion. So if that is not going to terrify you from ever having sex I don't know what will! I am pretty damn annoyed no one told me sooner because such important information should be top of the list in my head. People with cancer do not need any extra stress and abortion etc and the risk is a situation that can be prevented from occurring if people knew. So if you take anything from this blog take that piece of information and get it out there.

As for me I could take fertility drugs during chemo to keep my ovaries possibly working but the drugs reduce the chemo's impact on the tissue and raise the risk of it not working so hmm no doubt here that option is not worth it. I have to return in a year to the specialist and get tests to see what my chances are.
No freezing eggs because they use female hormones to induce your cycle to retrieve the eggs and hormones as I said make cancer grow, it is not very successful anyway.

But here is the shocker no IVF treatment after because they won't fund it for me as Phil has two kids already oh unless I have thousands upon thousands of pounds I want to spend with no guarantee it will work especially in my situation. I found that part the most hard to swallow, surely discrimination springs to mind here. I have enough tolerance, strength and love to go through the highs and lows, the strain and hardship of taking on someone else's children, because no matter how much I love them dearly it has been a rough road indeed with a high personal cost, and I am now told I don't have the same right as another unattached woman in my position. I will support the NHS in many many ways but this I abhor and it has left me stunned.

The real harsh part is that they break this to you 11 flights of stairs up (lifts were full of push chairs) in the ante natal clinic. I just think it's incredibly insensitive.

But there is no point thinking about this for the next year because it won't change the future or even influence it so deep breath and let this go for now. I only wish it was so simple.
I am sure I will be more chipper tomorrow just a tough couple of days taking its toll right now.

xxx Love Love Love

No comments:

Post a Comment