Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Thursday, 25 March 2010

Is it really only Thursday?

Shit. Sharp intake of breath. Is it supposed to hurt this much? I ask Phil welling up as the pain killers are clearly wearing off. Yes I am afraid so he replies that is pretty normal I reckon. Damn it surely my little smancer can't be causing me this much pain. Ok deep breath now I am a big girl right. Well in truth I feel like a useless sick child and on top of that my nurse is unwell he has a cold and cough which I have caught and my throat feels like I have been eating razor blades. I am super annoyed that it kicked in right now could it not have waited a week till I had a little more strength. I over did it yesterday and I am paying for it today, absolutely exhausted and the discomfort is relentless. I have realised I am not a good rester I need pinning down or I get up to do stuff every ten minutes. This sucks. Let's hope it is over soon.

I can't stop imagining what my clingfilmed chicken fillet looking boob looks like under all the dressings, I don't think it will be pretty that is for sure, gotta prepare for that somehow. I am not exactly a vain person but I liked my boobs as they were and I could always rely on them to be there until they turned against me, the bastards. I am sure some people breeze in hospital wop off their boobs and get over it in a heartbeat but any changes to my body after having a predominantly consistent figure is a shock for me and I have to be allowed to grieve about it if I need to. The first lesson about cancer once again is no two people go through this the same way and feel the same impact from the same events.

What I also realised very quickly is that the media present to us examples of famous people (who obviously go private and don't suffer the worst part which is the waiting) boldly taking on cancer and kicking it's arse but we never get to see them crying in their bedrooms they don't show all the private vulnerable moments they undoubtedly have so there is a pressure on us normal people to appear strong and brave all the time. But like my bro Ian said to me true strength is about being brave enough to let it out when you need to, tears, screaming the works. To show everything that's inside is braver than hiding it all and putting on a front. I like to think I am being brave about this but some days I am not quite convinced.

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