Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

Friend and family appreciation

Although within my current vocabulary there are no words with enough intelligence and power to fully convey the appreciation and awe I have for my friends and family right now I will have a go anyway.

Firstly I would not be who I am without every single one of you. If you know me well you know that I believe wholeheartedly that a personality is made up from everyone they have been in contact with and everything they have experienced throughout their lives. You are all kind of like integral pieces to my puzzle ooh no actually like integral ingredients to my cake yum.
I find it beautifully overwhelming how much consideration and love you have all given me over the past month even with your own struggles and immensely busy lives. Thank you will never contain enough emphasis to show my full appreciation for all the cards, letters, presents, emails, phonecalls and smiles I have have received.

I don't expect or demand anything from any of you except this one thing...do not feel guilty not for a second, well hmm unless you just trod on some poor child's pet spider or something, but with me I mean do not feel guilty. You absolutely must get on with your lives I certainly will be too as much as I can, I will shout when I need help and I know if you can at the time be there you will be there.

Ok ok no more sentimental crap. I get it I get it, I will try. Nooo one more thing come on...I would be here far too long trying to list off the kind things people have done for me lately but just for an example today a wonderful beautiful teacher/yummy mummy I know gently told me off so I promised her I will try to stop worrying about Haiti and focus on me for a bit too, ha. She called at the right time and said all the right things, which I am eternally grateful for. Then I returned home and a parcel is delivered and I hope this other stunningly fabulous friend will forgive me for sharing it because it is a totally thoughtful and lovely gift. Next I opened a card all the way from my second home in America. Words cannot. I then pop online and there is another one of you lovelies offering brownies and more importantly your time followed by my super chum Holly planning a meet up and lazarou.me checking in quickly to make sure I am ticking along.
My mum and dad would shrug it off and say it's their job to care for me but I see it differently, there is a limit to some people's love because of the past, because they don't know how to care or show it. But my mum and dad have no limits to their love, it is completely unconditional, gentle, forgiving, generous, consistent and tolerant. My aunt who has been on this very road herself has reached out a hand and pulled me close. But today I can't help but single out one person in particular without in anyway devaluing all others and that's Phil's mum who really is a truly wonderful, caring, genuine person with a unfathomable gift of total gentle kindness towards everyone around her.

I am in awe of all of you.

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