Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Saturday, 27 February 2010

Cheek chewing

I am chewing my cheeks again. Whenever I am extremely worried about something I tend to start to chew the inside of my cheeks, weird but involuntary. It gives me a contorted puzzled expression that must freak out the general public as I walk by. Someone told me once that the skin in your mouth does not re grow so I figure I might chew holes in my face if I keep going, at least it will distract people from my hair : ).

My mind is really troubled this evening, it is getting closer and closer to my next appointment, I got the letter today to remind me, and I can feel the breathlessness returning and someone is slowly turning a corkscrew in my stomach again. It feels like being back to square one in a way, with the apprehension and nerves, awaiting the verdict of which 'aggressive' treatment they will opt for. Do they have to call it aggressive can't they name it something less less...well less aggressive. Like cancer relocation or something more gentle on the imagination.

Let me tell you something ridiculous. I am too scared to pluck my eyebrows. I know don't say it. I keep looking at them and thinking I might not see these guys for a while so don’t aide in their disappearance for god’s sake. You see even if you spend all your time attempting to behave in the most rational brave manner a few stitches still come away at the seams. When you meet another person who has been diagnosed with cancer and you can’t really tell how they are taking the news just look at their eyebrows, if they are bushy they probably need a hug, so give one from me.

The topic of thought for today will be hmm cancer and tomorrow erm cancer and next day well maybe cancer followed by a recap of what you have missed lately about cancer. Everyone says ‘try and block it from your mind, worrying won’t help’ but you can't put cancer on hold or block it out, it is there inside you for one thing and on your mind through every waking moment and apparently, so Phil tells me, through every sleeping one too. I was whimpering last night and shaking in my sleep.

It is the strangest thing that from one day to the next your entire world can come tumbling down around you and people stop and glance over for a moment and maybe some help but in no time at all they carry on like nothing has happened while you climb from the rubble and dust yourself off.

My heart goes out to the victims of our latest tragedies in Chile and still in Haiti tonight. I hope yours does too. www.dec.org.uk

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