Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Thursday, 25 February 2010


So I slept ok I think. Until Reuben woke us up at 5am, bless him, in tears with a tummy cake. I make everything into cakes I have realised writing this blog. Reuben had a tummy ache, no I prefer cake, and his tummy cake has moved from one side to the other and although I am trying not to become hypersensitive to health issues its probably worth a trip to doctors quickly as he has had it since yesterday morning.

I am anxious today, my stomach is in knots too. I was told after expecting the visit to the fertility expert to face facts about chemo this week that he can't see me till Wednesday. The one thing I have learnt for sure is that you need consistency more than ever at times like this. To know what you are doing from one day to the next keeps you focused and if someone changes the plan all the mental preparation you have done for that appointment or development goes to waste and becomes anxiety. I also possibly get my appointment time for the Royal Marsden today and every step makes it real again and bursts the safe bubble I created around myself.
I got a bit low last night, not seriously low but just enough to paint my cheeks a little. I think when I get more tired as the evening comes its harder to stay chipper, because no matter how many times you tell yourself you are lucky you found it and that its small enough to remove just a lump you still can't really convince yourself fully inside that you are lucky at all to have fucking cancer at 30. So let's just get that grim fact out there, it sucks to be me right now but what can you do.

Ok let's try to bring this back to a more smiley place. I once sent a good friend a mix tape labelled 'Inappropriate hospital set list' which started with one of my favourite songs 'What happens when the heart just stops' and went on from there with a similar theme. I obviously have a dark sense of humour but you really have to make light of your darkest fears sometimes. So Phil and I were talking about how people go pale and silent when they say the wrong thing and at times like this everyone says the wrong thing at least once, it's ok it really is, it is actually quite funny. So we were thinking about inappropriate songs to play your friend with Cancer or inappropriate films to watch with your friend with cancer. We chuckled through 'Rhythm is a dancer' and discussed finally returning the dvd 'The Fountain' to my brother after having 'forgotten' to for years now. Then Phil announced his best song was 'killing me softly' which abruptly brought an end to the joke with the knowing nod from both of us that we actually aren't funny at all. xx ; )

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