Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Friday, 26 February 2010


There is nothing more therapeutic than sunshine, I totally come alive when the sun is out. I know I sound like an absolute hippy but come on it's refreshingly warm, helps flowers grow and makes everything brighter. Problem is with cancer is you look at the sun and think you total bastard, how could you. Then you get yourself an ice cream and think aw go on then I forgive you, but don't do it again.
I also find myself now wanting to scream hysterically at smokers, Phil shares this reaction. I have come to glaring at them with disgust although I used to be just like them. But come on it is not that simple that you can just tell people not to smoke or to wear sunscreen or to eat shark cartillage (a recent piece of advice from a wonderful lady) because it is up to them, it is one of their life choices. What you really want is not to control everyone else's lives but really desperately for no one else to go through this.
It is hard to watch outside doorways the cigarette smoke being dragged through someone's lungs and blown out into an oncoming pedestrians face without feeling a desperate pull inside the pit of your stomach. You want to walk up to them and say I don't think you really have any idea what you are doing. I don't think you really get it because I didn't, but for crying out loud it's not worth the risk of finding out. To me quitting is easier than cancer - simple. No excuses. Word.

Anyway I didn't intend my reflection to turn into a lecture but there you go.
So Phil and I were talking about cancer, as you do of an evening, and the conversation sparked his memory so he says 'Oh I meant to tell you Dan has invited us round for pasta and glands', gulp, Phil looks at my frozen expression 'I mean sweetbreads, pasta and sweetbreads'. Gotta love that guy. A sense of humour can aide you through anything.

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