Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Thursday, 1 April 2010

Going to London today

My stomach is in my knots and situated somewhere in my throat. But I am sure it will be fine. I will try to let you know later what the verdict is, if not tomorrow. No doubt if it is good news you will hear from me sooner.

The only request I am making is to handle me carefully after I find out either way, I normally let you all know where I am at emotionally pretty swiftly but let me just say that although no doubt we all will feel this relief immense relief that is has not spread and no chemo necessary if that is what they tell me, however I don't know if I can handle too much celebrating because inside I will be carrying with me the verdict and treatment plan they have given (making it very real) and we all know none of the treatments are fun and without shitty side effects and radiotherapy still essentially means side effects, hospital daily visits, more risk for this incurable infection and I will have to give up uni for now and that is going to hit me hard. The Macmillan nurse warned us that commonly women find the surgery the easiest bit and the treatment far more challenging, I hope to disprove this theory but I can't promise.
I am pretty much asking, and I have not until now, for everyone to be aware that I might not take either news well so be ready. I might not but I might, so handle with care ; ).

Anyway giving you all the heads up. xxx

No comments:

Post a Comment