Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Sunday, 18 April 2010


I woke up this morning thinking about the nurses and how they would be doing their rounds taking observations, washing people, filling out paperwork, dispensing medicine, making cups of tea or fetching water, cleaning wounds, setting up drips and IV painkillers, taking people to and from the toilet or bathroom, comforting people when the doctor gives a diagnosis, smiling although they just worked twelve hours and should logically have absolutely nothing left to smile about. Nurses are amazing, come on allow me this one generalisation.

Perhaps I glamorise it in my head but I really don't believe this is a job you do because you need cash or because you can't find anything else I really can't accept that they take the job for any other reason than genuinely wanting to help out with other peoples lives. Cancer hospitals like I said before are a grim place and that is the nature of the beast, it is not the facilities or staff that give the place such a dark cloud it is the cancer. They will never become a fun place to be and that is that. So to work in one of these places willingly and stride in everyday for 12 hours (they work 3 and sometimes 4 days a week to compensate) and deal with everything they see and hear is just unfathomable. It totally demands, and quite rightly so, extreme respect.

They admitted to me that if you are mobile and can move around you tend to be neglected and that sucks for me when I got overlooked but I had to keep remembering myself that poor Linda or the others who are completely disabled in bed need their precious time so much more. When I really needed something they were there in a super hero like flash. They did not stop for one moment and were so so busy day and night, nothing was too small a task and they never complained or looked even remotely annoyed. They even shared their jelly beans with me. Nurses of the world you totally rule.

Talking of amazing people my amazing and beautiful best chum Bethan Hall is running Brighton Marathon right now and she is raising money for a sweet little girl called Erin Lodge with cerebral palsy and she is also running for breakthrough breast cancer (me). Sorry to ask for money again so soon but if you can give then give...

I also have a lovely friend who is surviving (just) on a quid a day for 30 days to support vulnerable or homeless women's project through St Mungo's charity in London. http://30days30quid.blogsp
ot.com/  http://www.justgiving.com/30days30quid 
There are so many lovely people doing lovely things out there and I am lucky to know some of them. 
By the way I am doing much much better this morning, yeah yeah I still have a very sore shoulder and my tummy feels like someone has punched it for two days relentlessly but I also have my cat, sunshine, nice food, Phil, chocolate, my clothes, blankets, television, peace and quiet.

Love love love xxx

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