Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Friday, 2 April 2010

Full debriefing

So I arrived in the rapid diagnostic assessment unit (sounds like some MI5 building) for the right time in the afternoon and they have no record of my appointment. 'You are here to see Mr Gui?' 'Yes I am' 'Oh'. I hate that the whole build up and grief of travelling in pain 9 days after an operation to London to find out I am not booked in. I show my appointment card and the lady goes off to sort it. She returns and I am seen 40 minutes later than I was supposed to be but not be Mr Gui by his registrar. She talks through my pathology report in a lovely South American accent with the V's sounding like B's which is totally throwing me off balance when we are talking about bascular and beins all the time. So bottom line is I know a little more than before but I still do not have the full picture. What I found out...

There was no trace of cancer in the margins of tissue around the tumour they removed 9 days ago, so the cancer had not spread to the cells around the actual tumour (inside the lump of breast tissue).

There was however a trace of cancer that had escaped into the glands.

Chemo was mentioned ALOT but it is still not guaranteed treatment for me although they reminded me often that normally at 30 this is the procedure.

Radiotherapy was mentioned ALOT and is a given, I will be having this no matter what I do.

But the surprise that for some reason I had escaped to consider was more surgery. That is what it seems the Royal Marsden suggest I have done now to remove the trace of cancer. No brainer right get the cancer out of the body simple done dusted. No not at all. Firstly I did not in any way want more surgery after hardly recovering from the last one.

Secondly there is officially no medical evidence either way that the tiny trace of cancer in my glands will definitely or definitely not turn into a dangerous tumour. So who wants to risk it? well when you know that your chance of having lymphoedema http://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/about-us/our-services/local-support/information-sessions/lymphoedema/, the incurable shitty arm swelling painful infection for life, is multiplied by the surgery it makes it a tough call.
No research has been done so no one can tell me if in five years I will regret opting for surgery that will turn out to be unnecessary and drastic or in ten years be sitting there with cancer again because I didn't op for surgery and it spread (even with surgery I of course could just as easily get cancer again unrelated). No evidence no advice total gamble. WTF do I do?

If I have radiotherapy on my armpit aswell as my breast then the risk for the infection is just as high. Radiotherapy is not, like all cancer treatments, a guarantee for it not returning it still may come back it is a preventative measure to kill all the cells in the area in a hope that it stops the cancerous cells developing.

I am going back again to see Mr Gui on the 9th April and this time I really fucking hope they tell me something I can trust.

So bring on some sunshine, giggles and yes yes yes cake and off we go to see my bro tomorrow for two days of totally forgetting about this crap, who am I kidding, and having a cancer free birthday : ) Happy Easter everyone, sorry to be a drag.

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