Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Sunday, 2 May 2010


So I have done it, I took the first one of 1800 Tamoxifen pills I am suppose to take over the next five years. It was harder to do than you would think. You could say well look you might not get those nasty side effects so don't worry, but perhaps you don't get the weight of it. If I do get side effects any side effects I have got no other option but to persevere so when five years is spread out in front of you the first step can be filled with serious apprehension I hope you understand. Side effects apparently will take a week to a week and a half, fingers crossed for me let's hope it's not all that bad.

The cording everyone keeps asking about it so just a brief reminder. I have a common reaction to this kind of surgery called cording it is a hardened lymph vessel that feels and look like a cord under the skin, it pulls and limits movement, feels permanently sore and eventually will snap in a couple of weeks hopefully! But some sites on the internet say it can take months like Macmillan, I think I will see a physiotherapy if it is still here in a few weeks.

I have no date as yet for the rads treatment in Brighton, rads is what all the cool kids call it these days, and I am not exactly looking forward to it but really keen to know when and what is going to happen. As soon as I know I can book myself something fun to look forward to because at the moment it is just seeing every day from morning to night with no real feeling of heading forward.

The weight of cancer hangs over me now like never before and that is the strangest feeling, I am lucky I got away lightly considering, but it's been and still is a shitty road to be thrown on and I think in all the blur of stress and appointment after appointment then surgery followed by surgery it never sunk in how serious this all is. I can't stop thinking how I sat in the cancer quiet rooms at the diagnostic centre saying to Phil that very first screening day something like 'Oh my god I feel so awful for the people who are actually going through this for real' because you never think it will happen to you, this kind of shit happens to other people not you. Now I know it can happen to me I feel a bit vulnerable and unsure of what the future holds, this is understandable and natural I suppose and I have to confront it somehow.
Yet it all happens at an unfortunate time; my Gran, who has breast cancer by the way, is really not doing so well lately, emotionally and physically, but she is going on 93 so this is to be expected. It does not however alleviate the constant and brutal reminder of mortality and inevitable loss. I love my Gran ever so much, she is a formidable woman, a force to reckoned with indeed. She has been an extremely important figure in my life and I ache ever time I see or hear that is scared, struggling or in pain. She lived through world war two as a teenager working in a London telephone exchange cycling away from oil bombs and air raids. A life of raising children, on rations at first, with a reluctant obstructive husband she never loved or was loved by and she was never rich but worked hard to be comfortable. Fearlessly persevered through every blow life dealt her and to think that she feels scared and alone is just haunting me right now. How do you talk to a Victorian raised independent woman 3 times your age about fear? you don't successfully. But when she can she keeps us laughing with old stories and comments "I have had enough of men to last me two lifetimes" after hearing about the 85 year old who says she looks like she has stepped out of vogue magazine every time she steps out her door.

I would not say I am sinking lower or climbing either I am just as before on an even keel going no where fast but I am ok so don't worry.

We went to a friends wedding yesterday, Phil was best man and a fantastic one at that. The boys were super smart and lots of fun to be around they had a lovely time running wild although they were very tired and grouchy today. I too totally misjudged my ability to be out for that length of time after broken sleep and when we all came home I spent the night being sick and everything else that goes with that. I just want my life back. Never been ill more than a cold for as long as I can remember and I just can't get used this change.

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