Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Saturday, 15 May 2010

Damn hormones and side effects

So the unwelcome guests we call side effects have definitely arrived, oh piss.

You know that feeling of stomach churning queasiness that 'oh shit I think I am going to be sick' feeling that gets so bad you would rather actually vomit to just get rid of the feeling. Well I have felt like that for pretty much 24 hours. That and the accompanying headache that sort of compresses your head all over and gives a dull consistent ache, fun stuff right. It introduced itself on Tuesday but did not move in officially till yesterday and stayed all day and night. In the evening it was joined by a stomach ache and accelerated 0-60 seconds mood swings like I have never experienced. I can explode and cry in a flash and I don't even recognise myself because of it. It is draining controlling it all the time but have managed to warn Phil when I am feeling totally irrationally angry and advise him that he better vacate the area or just not move for a while like being captured by a T Rex. I feel like a monster and it has only been one day. I don't want to be this person. This has got to get better I can't handle being the problem I was always the solution the fixer, the negotiator before. I was the one who calms people down and makes everyone resolve their issues in this house. Ok maybe a bit dramatic as its just one day and all but when you have been pumped full of hormones to inhibit other hormones and not slept for visual violent recurring nightmares, a side effect they failed to mention, and feel full of guilt for getting angry at someone you love you try not being dramatic.

Not the best day yesterday and not the best morning this morning. Still here though eh and sun still shines on.
Let's hope it passes soon.


I am so so sorry you have to live with this right now.

T. R.

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