Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Wednesday, 9 June 2010

Worried? Pah.

Awake 2am. I swiftly turn over the pillow to get the cold side and then settle back into position usually on my front with one arm under the pillow, no idea why. As I drift off into a peaceful sleep the cat starts in an rapidly ascending tone to request that can he go out and sniff things in the night air. No Monty sleep first. But last night Monty saw his opportunity of a restless body and persisted until I gave in. Downstairs let cat out all without opening eyes fully. Bed. Sleep. Awake 4am. Let Cat in who as I drift off this time decides he wants food but not the perfectly palatable food in his bowl, no, new freshly served by human hands food please...now. So opportunistic well fed cat returns to bed and sleeps purring loudly in a position that requires a skilled level of contortion-ism to adapt gently round without being bitten for disturbing his rest. I fall asleep for what feels like a minute, don't you hate that, and the alarm is repeating the countdown tune until I submit and heave myself towards the bathroom.

I have been fine up until yesterday and it totally spun me out that all that can unravel without notice just because someone tells you you will be in a dark room for up to two hours and get your boobs tattooed.

Reality of it is it was fine, a breeze might be going too far but it was fine and over way faster than I was told. I donned the flowery gown that has sexy poppers for easy boob access and laid down on the examination table which swings around the room faster than you would expect and then three different people drew on me and took x rays and photos of my boob. All in a days work really.

The purpose of today was to get my rads schedule, remember all the cool kids call it rads, and to be aligned ready for the actual treatment which consists of 3 weeks every weekday of radiation to the whole breast then one week of direct targeted radiation to the cavity where the tumour was, which apparently has titanium clips in so they can find it, news to me. The reason for such intense aligning is to ensure that they don't effect the lungs so they come at the breast from an angle to sweep across it and just under the rib cage but hence not touching the lungs.

Rosie came with me kindly and distracted me in the waiting room where waiting feels like a punishment of the worst kind. Then we went and had lunch at the Kemptown deli and I fed my latest addiction of haloumi.

Tired now so signing off xx Night.

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