London Thursday

So this morning I was doing ok even though yesterday was not such a good day. It was the sort of day that commenced with the picking up of far too many items of dirty clothing and discarded toys from children's bedroom floors and ended, after a nicely made dinner in a clean house, lots of help with homework and a trip to cubs, with Reuben refusing to go to bed without a snack after eating a meal fit for an obese elephant only an hour previous. He claimed we were being totally unfair towards him. It was past bedtime and my tolerance fuse had burnt out at 8pm exactly and I had been fanning it the whole day as it was. I got really cross with him I suppose with that and no effort for mothers day from either of them I just felt unappreciated and tired out and got really cross. So Poor Reuben got it both barrels, it was not monstrously unfair, but just not how I deal with him normally. He was understandably shocked. He got over it in minutes though and came down to apologise before going to sleep leaving me cleaning the kitchen with a sponge filled with tears of guilt. He bounced up to me this morning for more of the same hugs and make ups before skipping to school unharmed. I want to bottle some of that kind of Reuben resilience and save it for emergencies.

Anyway Today I got myself to Brighton, even managed to look half alive, I was planning to go to my last class this term at uni when the Royal Marsden called out of the blue and told me to come to London for an urgent appointment to do another ultrasound and take another needle sample of my gland because they are 'concerned' about something they saw on the images from Brighton. I feel instantly sick. So Thursday I am rushing up there for a unscheduled appointment to be poked and prodded again and not have a clue what will come of it till I go for my operation on Tuesday. They want to be sure they are doing the right kind of surgery on me. I mean sure I REALLY want them to be sure too but why wait till now did it not occur to them to check my file any sooner instead of totally panicking me in the already very stressful last few days before the op.
I don't know what to say I am scared it's in my glands and I think they are too.

I had just got to a place of being convinced this was going to go smoothly and had started to breathe a little relief in that the cancer has not spread or it seemed unlikely. Now all I can really deduce is that there is something obviously worrying showing up from the scans and mammography (and after the radiologist spent so long on my armpit in silence) but as for what that is another question. It could be some weird shadow that shows up and nothing to worry about, just unfortunate for me, or it could be some strong signs of well come on you know. So right, they are being careful and cautious and double checking so I should be grateful, why don't I feel grateful? I won't deny it, it is increasingly hard to be chipper when everyday you climb up those steps to even ground so you can walk around like everyone else out there and suddenly a rug is pulled or a massive hole appears that you didn't see until you fell right in it. and that phone call made me fall in head first.

I just want some good news. and sleep. I am going to take a sleeping pill tonight.