Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Tuesday, 17 August 2010


It is a unique and overwhelming feeling to sit and finally try to come to terms with what has occurred over the past six months, whilst around you the world moves on at a rapid rate. You think you did all that already but undoubtedly you saved the best part of it till the end and it rushes over you like a tidal wave just when you had found it safe to breathe again. I wonder when, or if I ever will, watch tv or films again without having my focus directed to the amount of times they mention cancer, which is a lot believe me especially if you watch family guy. Or when I won't silently hold my breath as someone asks me for money towards helping people with cancer.
Also there is still this unrelenting fear lurking in the pit of your stomach that seeps into your dreams that they didn't get it and it will return...and only time will tell, not even the doctors can promise you for sure. I have been thinking a lot about the sort of angst we all have against life for being so unfairly balanced, we know it is totally random and yet you cannot shake off the feeling that someone somewhere picked you out deliberately and could pick you again. Ridiculous yes? and yet you find yourself still feeling the injustice when you hear of anyone having to go through this twice, anger with no destination.
Meanwhile my skin is totally healing so well it will look as though I never had rads in a week or two but it did make the scars a little more prominent, you win some you lose some eh.
The real drain is the fatigue, it just sneaks up and wipes you out leaving you numb and unable to get off the sofa if you tried. It has not been the easiest summer already so that does not help but I am told in time it will fade out.

I suppose I wanted to check in quickly as a few people mentioned I had not written anything for a while and in that case I never really said a proper thank you to everyone who came on this journey with me and the stragglers who are still there, it is really touching that even when I had given up with this blog you hadn't.

I am off to walk around mountains for a week with Phil in two days, ah who are we kidding we are off to sit in every patisserie we see.

Take Care x

I will left a little note after September and October check ups.

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