Welcome to the c word

I rarely show the world what is going on inside it is just not my style. I hide pain and constantly worry about worrying other people and how they will feel about how I am feeling. I keep my problems to myself and sometimes even from my closest friends. Well not this time.

I have been on the c word roller-coaster (I'm calling it the c word to go easy on the faint hearted) for over three weeks now and have decided it is a good idea to write down what's happened, happening and going to happen then whoever wants to keep up to date can without being forced to hear about it through emails from me. Because you will all have days where you just can't or don't want to hear about this. I get that it’s ok.

I hope not but you also might meet people or know people who go through something similar and it might just help them in some way to know they are not alone and when they fall apart it is ok because who wouldn’t. When you read this please forgive grammar and spelling etc I have not slept for three days and sorry too if it is up and down that is pretty much how I am doing most days.

- Tuesday 23rd February 2010

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Better day today, better sleep last night

So I am alone this morning pretty much for the first time since I found out and I am not in a puddle of tears and it is 9am so this is good right. I feel ok today. The way I am trying to see it is that there is nothing I can do about this today I have a plan and just have to get used to this waiting game. The idea of chemo has undermined any fear of surgery for now and chemo is not for at least a month so I have got lots of time to face it and prepare for it or just deny it is going to happen.
So today I am probably going to clean, I am a stress cleaner. It is like therapy. Phil will come home later and tell me off for doing too much.
But I want to get the plae clean anyway because I am seeing my best chum Beth today hopefully and she is bringing lots of smiles with her ; ) .

Well good news on the Royal Marsden website it officially advises people with cancer to eat cakes, it almost makes you like cancer. I have to eat cakes, doctors orders. and butter and rice and potatoes and bread and dairy products and meat and fish, but no risky uncooked eggs or pate or shellfish. I can do this, I already do well I will miss shellfish. Nice one Royal Marsden you told me my eyelashes might fall out but I can have a cake to make up for it afterwards ahh but I won't want to eat so hmm this could still suck. Still for now I have decided I must eat cakes and chocolate. One step at a time right. First step chocolate cheesecake.

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