It is a unique and overwhelming feeling to sit and finally try to come to terms with what has occurred over the past six months, whilst around you the world moves on at a rapid rate. You think you did all that already but undoubtedly you saved the best part of it till the end and it rushes over you like a tidal wave just when you had found it safe to breathe again. I wonder when, or if I ever will, watch tv or films again without having my focus directed to the amount of times they mention cancer, which is a lot believe me especially if you watch family guy. Or when I won't silently hold my breath as someone asks me for money towards helping people with cancer.
Also there is still this unrelenting fear lurking in the pit of your stomach that seeps into your dreams that they didn't get it and it will return...and only time will tell, not even the doctors can promise you for sure. I have been thinking a lot about the sort of angst we all have against life for being so unfairly balanced, we know it is totally random and yet you cannot shake off the feeling that someone somewhere picked you out deliberately and could pick you again. Ridiculous yes? and yet you find yourself still feeling the injustice when you hear of anyone having to go through this twice, anger with no destination.
Meanwhile my skin is totally healing so well it will look as though I never had rads in a week or two but it did make the scars a little more prominent, you win some you lose some eh.
The real drain is the fatigue, it just sneaks up and wipes you out leaving you numb and unable to get off the sofa if you tried. It has not been the easiest summer already so that does not help but I am told in time it will fade out.
I suppose I wanted to check in quickly as a few people mentioned I had not written anything for a while and in that case I never really said a proper thank you to everyone who came on this journey with me and the stragglers who are still there, it is really touching that even when I had given up with this blog you hadn't.
I am off to walk around mountains for a week with Phil in two days, ah who are we kidding we are off to sit in every patisserie we see.
Take Care x
I will left a little note after September and October check ups.
